Written by Apostle Paul. He writes on various issues about marriage and family life, entrepreneurship, personal finance and lifestyle
Eve was not brought to Adam as just a sexual partner or a child making factory. She was made and offered to Adam as a companion and a helper above every other thing. A helper is not just found in the kitchen or the man`s bedroom and “other rooms”, but also on his decision table, when the issues of life, family and life generally are discussed. A wife has a natural place at this table, but this natural right also comes with natural responsibility. These are what we shall be discussing together today. I look forward to getting your feedback comments wherever you find my articles to read on the internet.
No matter how much anyone may want to detest some element of marriage in the western world, you will still always agree on the fact that when it comes to the area of taking responsibility in the family, an “oyibo” wife is a role model. She understands her place in helping to support the family as opposed to just supporting the husband. The idea of supporting the husband creates a very wrong impression that the support is optional, but when the subconscious mind is focused directly on the family as a unit, then the wife understands that supporting the family is a joint responsibility.
We will clarify these issues further down the line, but right now it is important to identify two areas where the wife`s responsibility kicks in from. These are – tangible and intangible supports that contributes to the family success. The physical contributions such as financial and labour are what I refer to as tangible supports. These are made in so many ways by both parties (wife and husband) as the needs arises. While the intangible supports come in the form of ideas at the round table where and when decisions are made about the family. It is never in the man`s place to lord it over the family but to collate and synchronize hybrid ideas at the decision table.
When a woman becomes a wife, together with the man who is now a husband, they create the first unit of a nation called the family through the institution of marriage. The family is a very large mansion with two pillars – pillar 1 called “wife” and pillar 2 called “husband”. Two cannot work together unless they agree, but when they agree then they must work together. Working together must be construed in its widest sense to mean mining and sharing ideas on issues, as well as taking joint responsibility in their executions.
Unfortunately, in a traditional African society this is not always the case. In most cases the man is just the only person usually at the table with sense of responsibly, because the women have either accepted that providing for the family is the man`s job or have simply resigned to the place of inferior partner. Most women come into marriage with a faulty mindset that the man is the sole pillar, making themselves additional load instead of part of the building foundation. This is exactly what sets them up for doom down the line. I must admit there are still exceptional women.
So, let`s get back to the question we started with – as a wife, what are you bringing to the table?
This is a question you must always ask yourself as a woman even before the marital transformation that changes you forever as a wife (for those who believe there is no place for divorce). You must always ask yourself – who am I as a woman and what is my place in the society? What is my worth as a person and how can I help determine this worth? As a wife how do I earn, retain respect and command respect, both of my husband, family and my society? Until you ask yourself these pertinent questions you may never worth your salt as woman or a wife.
Respect is no birthright and that is true in every sense of it. Nothing even your age alone guarantees you any respect. That was then, not anymore. Respect is never freely given, it is earned. In fact, it is never truly given, it has to be taken, but at a cost. This is especially because in practical relevance, there is a price on both sides of the divide. Both the giver and receiver pays a price for the respect given and the respect received. People ordinarily would not want to respect you because it cost them to do. So, you need to give them good reasons to respect you. That’s how you earn it – their respect.
In other words, you have to take it at a price and this price must be paid in full. There is never a short cut to earning the respect you truly deserve in the society, and this is of general application, irrespective of who you are and what you are (or what you think you are). You must make it a conscious effort as a human being to earn your place and your respect in your family, neighborhood, work place and the society at large. This is as true for everyone as it is for a woman, not just as a wife.
Now let`s talk specifically about a wife. To preserve your place of honour in the life and heart of your husband in the family, you need to always bring something to the figurative table. Your place as a wife must not only revolve around the “kitchen, my bedroom and the other rooms”. You should also be at the table when the decisions are made about the home.
To do this you must know your onions as a person. You must have the capacity to have a voice. Ability to speak alone does not give you a voice.
What gives you a voice is the ability to get things done, the ability to make a useful and impactful contribution to getting things done, the ideas that helps guild your husband to that “hybrid decision” on issues.
These are what gives you co-ownership of the decisions when they are made. Without them you will be a rule taker all your life, but with them you will be an active partaker in formulating the rules which guides both of you and the entire family, which must be made together at the joint decision table. But when you arrive at the table empty handed, then you will fill those hands with “orders” and rules from decisions made without a sting of any consideration of your interest and what matters to you personally.
I once told a story about a couple I counselled some years ago. The husband and wife were both practicing lawyers. They started building their family house which was going to be their first property ever. The husband told me how the wife was “challenging” him with contributions to the cost of the property development. He said that for every million he puts into the project, his wife will strive to do same, and she was making this effort with joy and respectfully, without raising to rub shoulders with him. According to him, even while his wife came down with pregnancy and was unable to run around as she used to, she was still able to coordinate her jobs from home while he covers up for her in areas she could not, due to her condition.
Now, that is a typical life example of what I have been saying. To retain your place of honour and respect, you must drop this self-defeatist African mentality of “it is the man`s job to provide for his family”. Striving to improve and better yourself in the place of education, training and skill acquisition, and empowerment must remain a continuous factor in your life. Sharpen yourself mentally, spiritually and emotionally to remain a force in your family and every other circle you belong.
You need to read books and follow current affairs to be mentally sound and alert. That’s the way you are able to make contribution in discussions, whether within or outside he family circle. Your informed and sound contributions build your respect in the minds of others, while your show of lack of knowledge on some basic things and contemporary issues contribute to loss of confidence in yourself and diminishes other people`s respect for you. When you demonstrate knowledge you cow your audience and you own the room. In such atmosphere, people must respect you “by fire or by force”, and that includes your husband.
In conclusion, it is actually in your hands as a woman and as a wife to determine your worth to your husband or to any man in your life. You could decide to be an asset to him and truly become the jewel of inestimable value for real. You can also decide to be seen simply as a liability and a beautiful fool in the man`s life. This is actually the easiest path you can take, but down the line, it is the path that exert the greatest cost from you. However, no matter who or what you decide to be (either a liability or an asset) in the life of the man in your life, you will always have a place in the family bed.
Written by Apostle Paul. He writes on various issues about marriage and family life, entrepreneurship, personal finance and lifestyle. To write for Clariform, click here.
